It's been a long time since practicum ended. All these while during practicum, i was penning down my thoughts on the other site. Now that it comes to an end, guess i should start inputing life here again...
hmmm... where should i start?
The day when posting came out. I remembered it was a tues. I had planned for a roller-blading session with my frens at east coast. It was supposed to be a fun n enjoyable day that i look forward to... b4 i received my letter at the letterbox.
Of course, that day was still enjoyable, my frens knew from my expression that i was disappointed with the posting and they tried all means to make me forget about the result. I am thankful for that.
For one whole week, i was reluctant to tell anyone the school i am posted to. By not telling anyone, it would not seem to be a reality for me... haha that was what i thought. Yes, you can call it escapism... i know, i chose that. Actually, i did not request to go to any school, hence was all prepared to go to any school. What i could not accept is not the school itself, but the truth and reality that sinks in when i know i am not being posted back to my practicum school. The reality that "i am not going back". Of course i had sort of expected that, but before all turns factual, there's always a glimpse of hope somewhere. (if you know what i mean)
To accept this fact of leaving my practicum school was never a easy task for me. Indeed, i'm glad practicum had ended. But this does not include my relationship with the school...
perhaps it's just because there's love and acceptance in that place, perhaps the students would not want me to stay after a few years, perhaps i would find greener pastures elsewhere, perhaps i just prefer not to get out of my comfort zone... yes. perhaps.
But despite all these perhaps, i am just looking at the present: I can't bear to leave this all so familar, friendly and warm environment, to enter a seemingly cold, individualistic, and indifferent one.
I guess, that's just the way life is.
First: Things don't go your way all the time...
The person you like doesn't like you. The person you hate loves you. The person whom you want to hear from avoids you. The person whom you dread to hear from keeps messaging you. The person whom you want to see doesn't want to spend time with you. The person whom you want to avoid at all costs appears in front of your door. The boss that is placed above you doesn't let you go for your holiday trip. The person that is sitting beside you cannot stand your face.
Second: Many things in life happens and you don't get to choose.
You don't get to choose when to get your driving license-- the tester decides for you. You don't get to choose which family to be born into-- God does. You don't get to choose who when is your birthday-- God does. You don't get to choose who to be your colleagues-- they don't either. You don't get to choose the school to be posted to-- MOE does.
Sigh.
Since things happen this way, i guess i can only accept it and move on. There is really no point in standing on the same spot for years at a junction and not taking a single step to walk the direction that you chose. Since God has placed me there in this school, ( much as i dread reporting to school on tues 24th May 2005 ) i guess i can only focus on seeking what God as in store for me over there, and in fufilling my purpose for which i am called to.
"Your purpose is your joy; the fufillment of your purpose is often your cross." -- it's not a matter of what your purpose is, the struggle is more often how and where you are going to fufill it.